Come near to God and he will come near to you. 

Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. 

James 4:8-10

James is perhaps my favorite book of the Bible. It's so practical, so applicable, speaks straight to the heart of the matter. And though I picked these verses for my high schoolers to memorize this week, I should really take a long, hard look at my own life. 

I know I say that I want to grow in my relationship with God, and yet I do nothing to cause a change. I know I need to get my act together, that I need to really seek God, but I'm so lazy, I'm so comfortable right now that I don't do anything but make up excuses. I've been at this place enough times to know that I can't make a broad declaration of turning over a new leaf, of igniting a flame from this spark of inspiration. I know that a true desire to grow is more than sheer will-power; there must be a thirst for the word, a hunger to know him. I should want to be with God more than with any boy who may (or may not) come my way. I want my every thought consumed with God, my every action geared towards serving Him. And in order for me to get to that stage, I must sober up, really want to do this for real, and not just pay lip-service to this. 

One concrete thing that I can do towards this end is to work on the flower garden(s). I discovered last year that when I am out there pulling weeds, tending to the plants, so many Biblical truths come alive. Being out in the fresh air and warm sun somehow brings me closer to God, makes me more receptive to hearing his Word. I always have this image that, as I pull weeds from the flowerbed, I am pulling out heresies from my heart, preparing my soil for the good seed. I hope that I can keep myself disciplined enough to see this through.

Living and Loving

Last week, my mother and I were talking about us kids, and how each person has a story that defines them. She told me the stories of both of my brothers. One is fat and kind. The other has glasses and an unidentified skin condition. Then, I asked her about my story, half as a joke, half because I wanted to know what she thought of my life. All she said was that I have been so blessed in life, that I was made perfect, and yet, I don't have joy in life. I didn't say anything at the time, but I know it's true. It's something that I've been trying to ignore, something I try to cover up from others, something I try to cover up for others. But as I look back on my life, or at least, since I kept a journal, most of my entries are sad, upset, negative. I'm not a sad person, I do enjoy life, I think, but I know that I don't have joy.

I've said time and again, I'm not writing this to get pity. I'm just being honest. I want to be joyful, to be overflowing with love and peace, but I know I'm not. Only a few times have I been in that state, so I know what it's like, and I know what it's like to lack it. 

Two years ago, I took the "5 Love Languages" assessment, just for kicks. 

My scores in February 2010:                             My scores today:

3 Words of Affirmation                                      3 Words of Affirmation
7 Quality Time                                                  9 Quality Time
3 Receiving Gifts                                               5 Receiving Gifts
5 Acts of Service                                              4 Acts of Service
12 Physical Touch                                             9 Physical Touch

Some changed, some stayed the same. The high two, quality time and physical touch, are still very important to me, apparently. And as I was looking over my results from then and now, I realized that I don't spend a lot of quality time with people, nor do I receive the amount of physical touch I probably should. I do spend most of my time alone, either when I'm teaching, driving to/from lessons, waiting between lessons, or at home, when everyone else is out. That is probably why I feel largely betrayed by my friends, because we don't see each other as often as I'd like. Even my brothers; I used to talk with them all the time, hang out together, but now I hardly ever see or talk with them. I know it's just the course of life, of growing up, but still...

 I know my friends and family love and appreciate me.

I know it.

But I don't feel it.  

I know that I should be looking to God for my needs. God should be enough for me, enough to feel loved and appreciated. I know that God IS enough for me. I just don't know why I don't feel it.